Precipitous Life Changes

I mentioned in one of my last posts that I have a track record of spur of the moment life changes.
I just thought I would go more in depth on that.

First, here is a list of the more major life changes I can recall making on spur of the moment:

1.The most recent, of course, is to do Positivity Journaling.
2. Becoming vegetarian (with a focus towards veganism)
3. Stopping cutting
4. Getting my ears pierced
5. Burning a bunch of writing

The main problem with spur of the moment change is that you are acting without considering the possible ramifications of the action.

How will you feel about the change?
How will it effect others?
Is it sound financially?

None of these things get considered when you just jump head first into a decision.

However, out of those five examples I can only point to one that turned out to be a majorly bad idea.
So considering the risks, how is it I manage to make spur of the moment changes with a high success rate, and little regret?

I'll let you in on a little secret...
They weren't really spur of the moment.
In fact, the only one that really was is the only one I regret.

You see, while I make changes "cold turkey" as the saying goes, they are not unconsidered.

Except for #5 (which I will go into in a bit), all of these decisions were considered extensively... sub and semiconciously.

Let's start with #1. As stated in the same post linked above, that idea had been rattling in my head for months. The idea that I do not write about positive things.
However, in none of the conscious thoughts was there the idea of changing my bent or starting a Positivity Journal. Until the very moment I wrote the last piece of this post the thought had not crossed my mind in any recognizable form.
The reason I am having success with this change is not because I considered it for hours (because I did not). Nor is it because I am held accountable by this blog (which I obviously don't feel).
The reason I am having success is that I am ready for the change.

Let's now apply this to point #2.
When I left school, I was in a bad place.
Horrible.
I had just attempted suicide. I was still under the influence of an overdose, and I had barely drank or eaten anything for many days up to that point.
And yet, under this clouded judgement, I made one of the best decisions I feel I've ever made in regards to diet.
My mother took me to a restaurant and I ordered a vegetarian meal, after making a point of looking for something without meat.
When questioned I told her I wanted to become a vegetarian.
Until the precise moment those words left my mouth, I had not thought them to be true.
But the moment I said them, I knew it was.

In the weeks previous I had been looking at vegan recipes in order to cook for a friend.
I knew the recipes seemed appealing, but I continued an omnivorous diet.
But somewhere in me the pieces slowly came together.

I don't like eating most animal products.
A lot of them make me feel a bit sick, even in small amounts.
All of these recipes look and sound delicious.
Cooking this way is cheaper, and more filling.
All of these things slotted together until put in place by my sleeping-pill-addled mind to make me realise that, duh, I want this.
I was ready for the change.

Brings us to point #3, which has a slight variation.
Almost a year ago I stopped cutting.
And somehow I know I never will again.
You see, one night as I was doing it I noticed... this doesn't feel good anymore.
This doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't fix the problem, it doesn't do anything.

Which, of course, seems obvious to people who have never had an addiction, or don't realise theirs.
For me, though, this was a startling realisation.
While I had expressed a desire to stop (on many occasions!), knew that it was bad, knew it didn't help, etc., etc., I always came back to it.
Why was this? What was it giving me?
I still do not really know.

All I know is that on that night I put my knives away and could not understand it. I could not by any means wrap my head around why I had just done what I did.
It was a major change, and I would not say it was unconsidered. I considered it every day for five or more years!
But at that moment, I became (yes) ready for the change.
And that is why it is succeeding.

Onto a lighter topic for a moment to defuse some of that depressing funky smell.
#4, getting my ears pierced.
I never wanted my ears pierced. I didn't see the point of jewelry.
Still have a hard time with more than the barest idea.
But one day while we prepared for my eighth grade graduation my mum and I were in the mall, and she asked if I wanted my ears pierced.
Deciding "What the hell, why not?", I did.
I still have my ears pierced, I have not let them grow over.
I actually quite like having the option of wearing something on occasion, though I mostly do not.
And looking back on it, I can say it had crossed my mind a bit in the time up until then. I just never had a good reason to do it.
It took grad to make me ready.

Now, back to a more depressing thing.
But also the exception to my list.

Early last summer I was cleaning out my basement room to bring my things up to the (much smaller) guest bedroom.
I was in a good emotional space, I think. I was off my medication, I felt happy enough. (I've since learned that I was probably still under effects of the drug, it can take months to fully stop effecting your system!)
So when I came across all the old things I had written in the heat of my depression, my suicide notes, my rambling letters, my pages of the word "sorry" written over and over in 3mm high letters... I collected it all up. Pulled out the most important and least depressing pieces. The artier ones.
The rest?

I dumped it in the fire pit and lit a match. (actually a lighter...) To really drive the point home? That was the only time I've ever played with gasoline. I dumped about 500ml onto the flames to make sure it all died.

And as I watched it burn?

I had to do everything in my power not to stick my hands into the fire and pull it out, save whatever I could.
And I honestly wish I had, no matter the burns I would have gotten.

You see I did not consider that decision. I was not ready to let those things go.
I erased a huge part of my history, and I can never get it back.
There are many things I do not remember about those five years that would be so helpful to know, would help me understand a lot of things.
Like why I cut. I know I explained it more than once in those writings. When and why and how I started.
Like what exactly happened in the sexual abuse I went through. Flash backs only give you part of the story.
Like descriptions of the hallucinations I saw and heard.
Like the blood I spilled to write in my language.
Like the drawings I did that show things I don't fully understand anymore.

All these memories, all these important pieces of me... five years of my life consumed to ashes.
I still feel pain when I think about having done that.


Ahem.
Anyway.

The point of this post was merely to point out the whole "ready for change" concept.
Change will happen when it is, if you let it. You just have to be open to where your heart leads you.
However, at the same time, making a decision overnight is a good recipe for disaster.

Organization!

What you may have noticed (probably not, why are you looking that hard?) is that I did a little work around here.
Dusted, vacuumed, finally disposed of the bodies. Y'know, the usual spring clean-y stuff.

I went through all the labels on this blog and got rid of the multitude of useless ones I had, and tried to streamline the more useful ones.
And the reason for this?

I dunno, mainly just felt like it.
But also, I've been wanting for a fair while now to put up a list of my taggies for easy searching of the blog. And with the vast number of pointless or confusing ones I had... ugh.

So, yes. You can now find topics listed by usage to the right hand side.
If you find something confusing, or have an idea for an improvement or addition, please tell me. I kinda suck at this.

Positive Thinking cont., Moving out, Shift Change, Downsizing, and Up Styling

Well hello again my lovelies~
I've got a number of things I feel inclined to write about today, all some what connected, but none too extensive at this point.
So let's delve in:

First thing I would like to address in this post is a brief check in on my last post.
While I still agree with what has been posted there, there are some developments in the last twelve or so days that I found intriguing.
One thing I would like to note is that while the idea for that post had been jostling in my head for months (at least since February), the decision to start a "Positivity Journal" was a spur of the moment thing as I wrote that post.
And while I do have a good track record for spur of the moment changes, they are generally poorly advised. But more on that in another post.

1. I have been keeping the journal, though I started on the 16th, not the 15th.
2. The entries are quite short, some days only one point, and maybe not the most magical of a point.
3. I feel more inclined to write right after I add to the journal.

And it is that last point that I am going to expand on in yet another post. I guess basically you can think of this post as a foreshadowing of the future of this blog. Neat, huh?

Another thing I feel like talking about today is my relatively imminent departure from this abode.
However that is a multifaceted topic.

Firstly, I have acquired employment! Yay me, yeah?
It is above minimum wage, however (and this leads to another point on my list) it is a night shift.
So I have flipped my sleeping schedule upside down basically. Which is kind of neat, and actually gives me more time to do things I enjoy.

Working this job will be giving me enough resources in order to, before the year is out, enter into a solitary living arrangement.

However, as many people know, entering into your first solo living experience often means small spaces and limited resources.
That's where the downsizing portion of the title comes in.

I am trying to determine exactly what I need and use, to help myself start a less cluttered lifestyle.

Which leads so nicely into what I like to call "Up Styling", based on the idea of "UpCycling". (I probably didn't come up with Up Styling as a term. But I have no idea if I picked it up from somewhere, or where I would have.)

Basically, Up Styling is in the realm of Lifehacks and similar. Tips and tricks to make life easier, but also (because of other factors in my life) more compact, reusable, clean and eco-friendly.

I guess I am becoming one of those yuppie hipster people? I don't know.

Whatevs, that's all for this post. Just a quick update on things, most of which I am going to expand upon in the next couple of posts.

Good luck, have fun, don't die, and I'll miss you!

Focus on the Positive~!

Something I've never quite understood about myself is my lack of desire to journal (or blog) during what may be called "up" times.
You see, I like to keep a diary.
At least, I think I do.
But I find that when things are going really well, when I am feeling really good, good things are happening, the depression is at bay... I don't feel that urge to write about what is going on.
If I'm lucky I will feel the urge to write fiction.
But not about reality.

And I can't quite put my finger on why this is.

Now, don't take that to mean that things are bad right now.
Quite the opposite, in fact.

I just noticed it (again) recently.

See, I had that depressive episode at the end of April.
Which kind of soured my May as well (and a bit of June).
And I was writing in my diary, and on here.
Then I met a (wondrous) girl, started hearing back from possible job people, seeing friends, going to Ottawa...
And suddenly I have no desire to write.
Then had a close encounter of the bitchy kind with my old... friend...y...person...thing, R, and suddenly wanted to journal again.

The reason this disturbs me is such:
By writing down my negative thoughts and feelings am I not giving them permanence that I do not then lend to the positive ones?

I can easily look back and say "Oh, yeah, I really felt shit that day."
But I can't easily point somewhere and say "Look how many good things happened then!"

And even when I do journal about good things, or things I think are good, I tend to end up pulling out the negatives-- my fears, worries, where I think I screwed up or will.

And perhaps the reason I do this is tied to the idea of secrecy that our society places on "negative" feelings.
People are "supposed" to be happy. So we are taught from a young age not to show when we are upset (if we don't have to).
It is socially acceptable to be joyous-- but looked far down upon to be in a rage.

So perhaps what happened is I started writing the negative feelings because there was nowhere else to safely  (in my head) release them. But there is no ingrained feeling of needing to write down positive thoughts, because I can let them show.

It could also lead back to my habit of (over)analysing things. I don't want to look too closely at the good feelings for fear I will turn them into bad feelings.


I guess what I am getting at is I am going to try journaling something good every day for the next month.
Try and describe only the good aspects of it, why it makes me feel good, etc.
And see if at the end of that, it becomes as habitual as my other journaling.

I think focusing on the positive is a great piece of advice, and one too hastily rejected. So I'll stop being a hypocrite and try it out.

Finally, some pictures!

I'm always saying I'll post some pictures of something or other, and I never do. 

But I am so pleased with this current craft project that I feel the need to gush about it. So you get pictures. 

 I have spun up approximately 1.5oz. of bamboo silk that I won through the awesome Phat Fiber Sampler  Box blog, from Silver Sun Alpacas some time last year (or maybe late 2010?).

 I wanted to be able to make something out of it on its own, so I knew I had to spin very thin or I wouldn't get the yardage to make anything worthwhile.
I spun this to a fine lace weight, about 25 wraps per inch.
I got approximately 225 yards out of it, enough to make a nice lacey scarf thing.

 I chose the pattern Wisp published on Knitty back in 2007. This pattern alternates fishnet lace with garter stitch segments. There is also supposed to be eyelet rows in order to add buttons or ribbon so it can be worn optionally as a cowl or hood. I left those out and made some other slight mods-- fudging numbers.

 A close up of both the stitch pattern (the thin, more compacted areas are the garter stitch) and the one drastic stripe of deep pink that lined up so perfectly with the fishnet segment.

And one beauty shot of how this thing drapes. It is just amazing, I can't describe it.
I just can't believe I am making something so awesome.
I've never knit lace before (honestly never though I would), and even though this isn't the hardest of patterns (only two rows to know, one of which is straight knit) it works up to an amazing lace-- so the shock that I can do it might be what is getting me. I can't stop touching it and scrunching it and waving it and and and...

I hate pink, and yet I still love this project. The subtle(and not so subtle!) variations in colour are amazing.  I may just be becoming a lace knitter... which is insane, but hey...
(And considering my natural predilection for spinning  really thinly, maybe it is for the best.)

Some thoughts on Gender

I don't know what I am.
People seem to expect me to. People seem to want me to.
Because that is one of the first things we learn in life.

We learn who our parents are, we learn what we look like. We learn that we are a girl. Or a boy.
And those are our two options.

We aren't expected to change that fact, but if we do we are expected to flip the switch and go the other way entirely.

And I thought I could deal with that, when this all started.
I was confused. I was scared. So I kept the switch on. I taped it that way.  Heck, tried to glue the damn thing in position. And I did pretty well. Nearly seven years I ignored the damn thing.
I was a girl. For every necessary idea, for every purpose, every extent.

Then this whole thing started up again.
So many things had started to settle down, so I guess my brain decided it was a good time to remind me.
I was settling so many lies within myself that I guess I had to settle this, a major one.

But the options available don't work for me.

I am not a girl. I do not like the social context that girls are given. I do not like being seen as a girl. I don't like girl clothes, girl talk, make up, the ideal "female image". I don't want to have breasts, or to have kids.

And I know I am not a boy.
I don't like boy hobbies. I don't want a penis, I don't want to to hide my feelings or to feel unable to cry.
But I know I don't have to be a macho-man. But I know I don't have to be a girly-girl.

I know I don't have to like dresses, or doing my hair. Nor do I have to want to have DD-cup breasts and an eighteen inch waist. I don't have to have seventeen kids, or marry a man.
I don't have to drive a motorcycle. I don't have to sleep with everything in sight. I don't have to bottle everything up inside.
I can ask for directions, I can keep a level head-- not go all emotional at the slightest provocation.

So I don't know what I am.
I know I am not a boy, I know I am not a girl.
But those are the options given.

So I try to pretend that I am okay with this middle ground. Genderqueer. Genderfluid. GenderFUCKED.
I try to pretend that it is okay.

But it isn't, not really.
It matters to me, no matter how much I want it not to. I need the labels. I don't want the labels, but I need them.

I can't be a female bodied man, even if that works for other people.
I can't be a male bodied woman, even if the surgeon people would allow that.
I can't be a MAN, I can't be a WOMAN.

The only thing that I can think I want is to be seen as a man-- male pronouns, male name, male expectations-- but to be a woman-- female body, female feelings, female hobbies.

All I can do is think of the things I want. Because anything more than that, I am incapable of.

Unfortunately the things I want are twisty inside, so I am still trying to figure them out.

Another response post...

Hey there. It's 4:30 on a Monday morning, and I haven't gone to bed yet. And I'm not entirely sure when I woke up. Oh well.

Another blog I read posted something interesting that I wanted to reply to. But once again, I am too verbose and would feel like I am stealing the comments with my big response.
The blog, Raptitude, posts some really thought provoking things reasonably frequently.
And I encourage you to check it out. Here, however, is the specific post I am replying to: It's another Monday morning, do you know where you are?

“Here” is on my bed, in my room in my mother’s house. My hide-y hole, the only place in this house I really feel any semblance of safe, free, true. The only place I can do what I want, say what I want, look at what I want… but I still have to be careful.

Even here I feel bound and constricted.

I am here, with the most bluntness, because I failed in a suicide attempt a bit more than a week ago.

On a more general level, I am here because I have no where better to be, nowhere else that wants me, because college ended a bit more than a week ago, because I don’t yet have a job.

How did I get to this point, of a recovering suicidal, depressive, lovesick, feel-for-nothing genderqueer? 

That is a very long story, and most of it is irrelevant to this specific post, but I think I am going to explore it after this.

Today feels unimpressive to me. 

It feels about the same as yesterday and only marginally better than a week ago. Worse than a year ago, okay enough compared to a month ago.

I have a girl on my mind, nearly constantly; and it is pissing me off. The things I feel for her are more than either of us want from our relationship, at this point.

At the same time my brain is being pulled about by the need to find a job, by the depressing facts of my past and a person I saw from it recently; by the seemingly quietly hostile environment I am in.

Returning to my thoughts? 

The nothingness of my existence. My lack of control in all things my life.

The fact that if I let myself, I would have an eating disorder. That I fuck with my sleep patterns in order to control something, the same way as an anorexic controls food.

That even that doesn’t offer me any real control over my life.

The fact I that I haven’t cut myself for exactly five months.

But if I could, I would.

The fact that I don’t want to be in love, at the very least ever again.

That I can’t let myself feel things, because it ends in pain.

The insanity and obvious depressive elements to how I think.

My life, at this precise moment, is heading nowhere. I have no prospects for change. All I keep thinking is “If you change nothing, nothing will change.”. And yet it feels like I have no choice in my inactivity. That I have no option but to do the same things “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” And that’s all I’ll ever get.

Coming up? 

Eventually I’ll have to find a job that’ll take me. I’ll probably hate it—majority of the world hates their job. Maybe I’ll actually find a girl who will look past how broken I am and try to love me—I’ll probably fuck it up, as I have told myself I am not allowed to love again. That, and I am never enough, or the right thing for anyone. And that cycle will continue. New girls, new jobs. Eventually I might come across some I don’t hate, and can allow myself to love. Then I mess with that until I time out. Until life finally f’ing ends, and I finally get what I want. For what will feel like the first time.

What seems to be exiting my life… Relationships, a whole lot of them. Some not so important, some so crucially important I felt like they were tearing me to pieces to leave them. But now I have killed that feeling. Put it away somewhere dark and quiet. Maybe I’ll take this box out again someday and actually feel the emotions. But until then, I am as close to happy as I am capable of. So I’ll keep shoving it aside because I have cried too many tears.

So in the end, right now I am coasting. I am doing whatever makes sense at the time with the hope that it’ll all turn out. Because in the most fucked up way possible, I am one of the most hopeful people in the world.

I wield my hope like a sharpened boomerang. 

Did I chose to be here?

No. On even the most basic level, no.

I chose death over everything that I currently have.

And if I thought I could pull it off, I'd still chose it. 

If I had anywhere better to be, I would be.

So everything just sort of settled this way.

I am waiting to hear back from a job that I am hoping against hope I will be called to an interview for. That I want more than nearly anything else at this point to get.

I am avoiding a great number of things.

I am not really excited for anything, because nothing really feels worth getting excited about.

And finally:

Do I feel like I am where I am supposed to be?

I feel like I am in the only place I can be. Which is very close, but not at all the same thing.

That feels like a good snapshot of where I am. Depressing, hopeful, apathetic, over emotional. 

That said I do like the exercise, because I am a big fan of self-reflection. I hope others will participate as well.

Another post...

There were so many titles that could work here, but considering some of the circumstances, were entirely inappropriate >.>
Ugh.

So, first of all, Blogger has finally switched over to its new format.
Which I'm sure I'll get used to, and is much better and whatevs, but I'm in that transition stage. So bear with me.

Now, onto some other stuff.

Yes, I missed the entirety of April on here. And I have good reasons.
There isn't much more to say, for that. The people who need to know, know. If you think you are one of those people and you don't know, hey, it never hurts to ask. And I'll tell you whatever I think you need to know~

Despite this, I am now numbered in the prestigious ranks of Algonquin College graduates!
How exciting~! 

I am no longer living in Ottawa, I am back home for the time being.
This kinda sucks, but it'll all work out.
It just has to.

So I guess the next important thing to bring up is the absolute crappiness of the Queer community here!
Wow, that was harsher than I meant it to be, sorry!

But what I mean to say is that there appears to be almost nothing in the area to do/go to. There seem to be some things sometimes once in a while.
And a lot of radio shows, for whatever reason.
But there is nothing obvious that has consistent and relatively frequent meet times (that isn't volleyball.)

Oh well.

Oh, mang. There feels like so much to say (and I've got about twenty books I should review), and I actually have the time now to talk, but I have no idea how to start.

So for now, I'm going to let this dwindle, and maybe soon I'll have some crafty things to show~

A response

So I was reading a post from a blog I follow, and I wanted to respond. However my response got quite long. So instead I am posting it here.

The original post is this one:

http://bizzycrochet.blogspot.ca/2012/03/politically-incorrect-post.html

And my response follows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I agree with some of the backing to your points, the feelings I think are behind them, but not the points themselves.

I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself.

I don't feel the need to go around telling everyone I'm queer. And, in fact, I rarely do any more. Most people can figure it out for themselves based on my comments and actions. It comes up passively in conversations nowadays.

But I did go through a period where I did tell people. The whole "coming out" thing.

I guess the reason that people feel the need to tell everyone is because people tend to assume "straightness".

I'm not straight. No more than I am black, a man, red headed or long haired.

But people can tell that I am white, can see my short hair, assume I am not a man; all just by looking at me.

But they can't tell my queer status. And while that is fine (most people don't need to know) it can make for awkward times if I want to get closer to someone.

I want people to know I am queer up front because it can save a lot of pain later on. There are people out there that reject queer people. And the sooner into the relationship I can determine their stance, the less pain will be brought from the rejection.

As for a personal blog of a queer person not having much in common... I think that is a bit presumptuous.

I still have relationship issues, I still go to work, I still talk about reading and movies, if I had kids I might talk about them... I still eat, drink, do arts. I could still own a home, run a family. I still go to school. Honestly, the issues we could face are much the same.

It is very similar to saying you wouldn't want to read the blog of a black man because you are a white woman, what could you have in common?
I'm a reasonable example, I've had maybe two out of seventy posts revolve around a queer issue-- and that is because I am currently going through some things.

Keeping it to yourself on TV/Movies... do you protest the idea of a straight person playing a queer person? A Christian playing an Atheist? What about a perfect husband playing a wife-beater?

The joy of actors is that they can play roles that they don't fit into perfectly in their home life. I'd protest more the idea that someone has to embody who they are playing in their personal life-- we'd have a lot more murderers running around.

As for school... ideally no one would be bullied. But that dream is a long way off. Right now it is being targeted because of all the suicides. If a rash of 'drama geeks' were to suddenly decide suicide was the best option, chances are there would be action taken.

Honestly, I was bullied for a lot of things in school. I am shy, I don't do sports, I like video games and the internet too much, I got too good of grades... Only once was I ever targeted for being queer. And that one time I was beaten black and blue. All the other things were taunts, a push maybe. It is the severity of the bullying around this issue that makes it so important at this point.

I've always had a hard time understanding Pride parades. For any reason, race, orientation, religion... They seem excessive.

I don't wear a shirt that says "Gay Pride". The closest I have is one that says "4 out of 5 cats prefer lesbians". I wear that because a friend gave it to me, not because I'm queer.

However they are good ways to keep the issues at hand.

There are no straight parades because there is little need to celebrate a majority. They aren't under duress.

As for the Chritianity/religion/Jesus/God thing... Not everyone believes the same thing, as you said. Unfortunately some people believe in spreading hate and fear. With time, and luck, those people may become less common.

Honestly, I did find some of your opinions questionable, but I can agree to an extent. The only thing I found affronting was the idea that you should pray for people who you are trying not to judge. It seems inapproriate to pray for the person. Perhaps pray for an understanding of the person (for your own use), but the person them selves should be able to make the choice of hw and who and what for, when it comes to prayer.

I am sorry you could not keep your friend on Facebook because of their friends, and I am really sorry they attacked you like that. Unfortunately on every side of any issue there will be people like that.

I'm not trying to sound hostile, I hope it didn't come across that way >.>

Update

Preface: Yes, I've not been updating. No, I don't think you care. Updates will be forthcoming after school settles down a bit.
-------------------------------------

Just thought I'd give an update, vis-à-vis this post from about a month ago.

I came out to the general populace as a name changer a few weeks ago. I told a few people about the name change in person, then I changed my name on Facebook, and invited people to call me by this new name. I also gave leave to message me if they had more in depth questions.

A fair number of people asked why, and depending on the person they got slightly different answers.
Generally I'd start out with "I feel it suits me better, for a variety of reasons.". If that didn't satisfy them, and I was comfortable with them having the knowledge, I'd give the canned speech: "I am no longer identifying as female, I am identifying as nongendered, a type of genderqueer where I do not feel either male or female. As such a gender neutral name felt more fitting." They then either went "Oh, cool." or asked more questions.
A large number didn't ask, just "liked" the post. That made me happy.

It's been interesting, and I'm sure it will continue to be in the next 11 months (I've told myself I need to use and identify with this name for at least a year before I will legally change it. I want to be sure (and get the money together). ) There will be a lot of places where if I had the legal identification, it'd be easier. I almost want to just do it and, if it doesn't work, change it back later. But that feels like the wrong way to go about it. Even though it'll be harder to explain in the getting a job setting, etc., I'll just have to muck through it. I'm just thankful that I don't have to go through the mess of trying to change my gender marker, because it doesn't bother me enough that the legal world sees me as female, and because there is nothing more fitting to change it to. I feel so sorry for those for whom that is a necessary step.

There have been a few awkward moments already where I don't know what to say or do. But for the most part it has been great.

I wasn't sure if I'd tell my professors about the name thing. Then I realised that at least my program head would be necessary, if I was going to use her as a reference later on.

Talking to people who I've met once or twice before, so know my old name, but I don't expect to meet frequently in the future...
Basically deciding when and where it is necessary to give out what name.

I've gone the 'easy' route and decided that everywhere at all times is the best way for me. I can clear up the messy bits as I go.

At the LGBT youth group I go to I introduced myself as my new name after coming back from reading week. Then I actually started participating. Talking to people, socializing.
Not to say I didn't speak to anyone there before, but not enough people that they remembered my name.
They all know me as my new name, and they don't stumble or falter in using it. It feels great

.My friends are all trying really hard. I'm trying to be lax about correcting them... it's awkward for me to do because they tend to get angry at themselves for forgetting. And I'm not upset or angry, just trying to help cement the name in their minds. Ah well.

Not to mention the fact that I still "screw up" as they put it. I still chastise myself with the old name. I used to often alliterate the name with words, and those sayings are still stuck in my head a bit.

And there are still times where my old name feels right. They are very infrequent, and make sense when you consider I've had it my whole life.
So really using my old name is still... acceptable, if not ideal.
Anyway. I just wanted to put it out there that this name thing has been near-uniformly positive for me. And I know that people have a hard time when they read all these scary coming-out stories.
My coming out stories from this and from coming out as a lesbian, years ago, are near-uniformly exceptional. If you are thinking about it and/or want some positive examples you're welcome to contact me. I'd love to tell you about all the wonderful, fabulous, exceptionally accepting people in my life.

------------------------------------------
Oh, as a side note, I was down town today with a friend and we took a look in some LGBT friendly (centric) stores. One was a book store. I was so excited. I wanted to read about 3/4s of what was in there.
There was a great looking book on FtM and other female-assigned-at-birth genderqueers and their stories. And one that was an FAQ about sexual and gender minorities (Is it a Choice?). Full shelves of "Lesbian Lit."! Mysteries, fiction, real life, spirituality... There were "normal" books too, but most of the store was LGBT stuff. I wish I had money, so badly.

The First Question and the Meaning of Life.

Yes, I know I missed bookmarks last week. No excuses, I just didn't feel like reviewing anything -shrug- I'mma try and do more though, so be alert.

Anyway, what I wanted to do today is very related to those Story Fragments I was running a while back (and I have a few more of those to share later).
It's a big thing I wrote two/three or so years ago, when I was in a philosophy class.
It's not exactly original, and it's a bit pretentious, but I think it is interesting and I just found it again recently.

So I thought I'd share. Have fun:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The First Question and the Meaning of Life.

Albert Camus once said that the first question all philosophers face is that of suicide. All else comes secondary.
The truth in this statement strikes me every time I take a moment to contemplate it. Those who value life most tend to be those who have overcome death.
The idea of overcoming death is, in itself, rather odd and multi-faceted. You can overcome death by surviving war; you can overcome it by surviving the death of a loved one. But the way closest to ones heart is the question of suicide. If you contemplate suicide, you have contemplated the meaning of life.
But what do you find there? I cannot answer that question for you; I can only answer it for myself.
In class today we are discussing the meaning of life, and that got me thinking about my past, my future, and the way in which I interact with this world.
I believe in that short sentence, even if Camus himself did not.
I believe that every person, at every moment of their life, must overcome first the question of whether or not they want to live. Many people do this unconsciously, the desire to live so strong it requires no thought. Others are not so unburdened.
The choice of life may seem a simple one; who would not want to live? But for some of us it is a question that dogs our heels every time we stop to take a breath.
What do you value in life?
Why do you continue to wake up every day and live?
Who or what gives you the strength to continue?
These are questions that often pull forth long answers, despite seeming rather simple.
If you chose to live you are obligated, if only implicitly, to consider the life you chose. The unexamined life, after all. Would it be better for you if you had not chosen that life? Would it be better for someone else? Which matters more? What counts as 'better'?
In considering your life, consider what it means to be human, to be alive. What qualities are required for you to call something human? Sentient? Alive? Do they differ?
Do you fall under your own definition?
Now think on the meaning of morality. What is good? Is it simply the absence of evil? Then what is evil? Simply the absence of good? What would be required for you to call a person ‘good’? ‘Evil’?
Do you have any of these qualities? Do you consider yourself good?
If you do not consider yourself good, why do you choose to live the life you have? Do you choose it to appease family? Friends? Society in general? Or do you just feel that it is how you are ‘supposed’ to live? Or do you believe that even the ungood deserve to live? What about the truly evil?
Maybe you do consider yourself a good person. Do you recognize the evils in you? Do you work to prevent them? What makes you a good person? The assurances of people around you? Or your own heart?
If you were told that your memory was to be removed of every event in your life, the only thing you were to remember being your name, date of birth and the similar, would you cry out in rage? Joy?
What is it that makes you the person you are? Is it the combination of memories, experiences, thoughts that you have running through you? Or is it something less tangible? A moral fiber, a soul that would carry with you regardless of where or when you were?
I can speak not of other people. I have not lived like them, as them. I can only comment on the experiences I have had, and draw conclusions from them. From those generalizations I can structure my world. These generalizations are what I need to answer the first question, and the basis of the answer to the second.
Life is an ever changing word for me, much like the stuff from which it is made of. There is a distinct difference between life and living. To be living does not require life, and to have life does not require being living. Life is a process, living is an act. I do not value living, but I value highly life.
I have often said to people that I do not value life, that my life is meaningless in its inaction. This is but a partial truth. I do not value my living, the quality that many consider essential to life. I would willingly give my living to any cause that my death seemed warranted. If my dying were to advance the cause, and I did not find it objectionable for other reasons, my living would be given freely.
Many people will not believe this, for if I would give my living so easily, how am I still alive? Fact of the matter is, I have yet to be convinced that dying, mine or anyone else’s is necessary for anything to be advanced.
Often when considering the meaning of life people will ask the questions of: If there is only a short period of time in which you would continue to live, what would you do with that time?
This question, for me and many others, varies immensely depending on the amount of time in question.
What you consider a short time to live is a main component. Some people consider several months a short time; some consider several years a short time. How long would you consider a short time in life?
I was once asked as a matter of minutes, about half an hour, to be exact. I considered this for a few moments but came to the conclusion that I would prefer to live as ordinarily in those last few minutes as possible. Find somewhere to get comfortable, think about what I had done with my living, with my life, and search for the happiness in my life. What would you do if there was only a half hour left? How does it fit in with your thoughts on what makes a person? A good person?
This is a change from if given a few days, here suggested as a week. To this I came about to the conclusion that I would want to see family, friends. All my loved ones. I would want to tell them, one last time, how happy they have made me. Then I would want to become comfortable, as above.
If there was only a week left to your living, how would you spend it? How does this relate to what you valued above? How does this define your life?
The final question I was asked was that of twenty years. If my living were to be ended in twenty years, what would I need to do to feel complete? This question was the easiest for me. Twenty years seems like a vast amount of time to me, possibly as a byproduct of my youth. But also, possibly, because I have often been in a place where the thought of twenty years of living was unbearable.
My answer, however, is simple. Twenty years of living, I would like to do just that. Live. I would like to go to school, I would like to work, and I would like to meet some special people, share experiences and life with them. After that, I don’t think any special considerations would need to be made.
How about you? Is twenty years a long time? Why? Why not? Would you make changes to how you live now?
How would you react to being told that your life was to be cut short? If you were told that you were to have ten, twenty, thirty years of life left, but it was cut short. Would you be angry? Would you bargain, try to get more time? How long do you consider enough? Seventy years? A hundred? Maybe you consider twenty years to be sufficient. Do you know why that amount of time seems like enough? How would you react getting less than that? Getting more? When you consider life as a long chain that will eventually break, does your perception of the world around you change? Your system of values, morals?
As to the meaning of life, what meaning is there without purpose? Perhaps meaning is purpose, or perhaps purpose is meaning?

Bookmarks - The Professor and the Madman

Sorry for the late post. I came home for the reading week and have run out of premade posts.

The Professor and the Madman is copyright 1998 by Simon Winchester. Published by HarperCollins.

This is what I would call a "creative nonfiction". It is a book based heavily on the story behind the Oxford English Dictionary.

It tells you the embellished facts about the two main contributors to the dictionary, Professor James Murray who headed the campaign for the majority of its run, and Dr. W.C Minor who submitted more than 10,000 entries to the work.

Minor was incarcerated for murder, and Murray was a professor at Oxford.

It tells their stories, using historical truths and backed up data... and filling in the gaps with narrative.

I like the style of this book, it goes back and forth between narrative and laying out pure fact. It makes everything bite sized. It helps that I am interested in language and dictionaries.

All in all a good gateway book to fiction from nonfiction or vice-versa.

Neither, and the Choosing of Names

Hey there~

So. I've been doing that thing that I think every one should do, questioning my self.

Not just that kind of second guessing thing, but my self, as in what makes me intrinsically me.

Soul searching, I suppose.

I should probably preface with saying that I've been going to a group recently where one of the opening questions each session is what your preferred pronoun is.

...for those who I've lost, a pronoun is something that replaces a noun. Your name is a noun. So Elsie is a name. If I want to talk about Elsie, I could use Elsie's name over and over, every time I referred to Elsie. But as you may have noticed, that's freaking annoying. So we use pronouns like "she" and "her".

The standard ones in English when referring to people are:

I Me My Mine Myself

You You Your Yours Yourself

He Him His His Himself

She Her Hers Hers Herself

We Us Our Ours Ourselves

They Them Their Theirs Themselves

You You Your Yours Yourselves

Then we have the object ones,

It It Its ...... Itself

They Them Their ...... Themselves

The main ones we deal with are the He/She ones. And that is where there is some issue.

If you are not biologically what you identify as, what pronoun do you use?

Trans people know this fight well.

So people try to create gender-neutral pronouns (Many languages have them. English leaves us with "it").

Ze, Ey and Xe being the most popular that I know of.

But it gave me a chance to mention what I've known for a long time. I don't like using the feminine pronouns (she) to describe myself. (For those who didn't know, yes, I am biologically female. Joy.)

Years ago I thought about using male pronouns. Years ago I briefly thought I might be a transperson, and would want to go the route of changing myself physically. But that never felt right.

I let it be for a while, then I realised that I don't really feel like either. I've known some people who feel like both. Androgynes, Bigenders and Genderfluids, I've known people who describe themselves in all these ways (I consider online friends to be "known", here). But that never felt quite right either. I don't feel like I'm both. I feel like neither.

So I did some research (then, and again recently). There are people who identify as third gender, which is closer to what I feel, but still not quite.

Then I stumbled on agender, or having no gender, and Neutrois, which are similar. Prior to this I had already determined that I feel genderless, I was just looking for words. I still don't like the words though.

I'm going with nongendered. Though linguistically incorrect, I feel it fits best.

Anyway, as this relates to my previous ramble, I want a pronoun that is not 'She' like my sex, and not 'He' as I don't feel male. I don't like the gender-neutral ones (I find them too convoluted and sound weird to my ear when referring to me.) Not to mention that while they may be neutral ground on the scale of male to female, they are still gendered pronouns. Just neutrally gendered. Which doesn't fit.

So I've settled on the logically available pronoun, It.

As English uses It to refer to things, and things are (in the English language) inherently without gender, it makes sense to use It to refer to someone without gender. (Not to mention it just feels right.)

That's one issue down.

The second (and easiest of the three I'm bringing up) is what do I do with my sexuality. I may be agendered, but I am definitively NOT asexual.

Being a bio-female, and being attracted to females, I've always presented as a lesbian. It's easy, it's quick, and it's technically true.

But my definition of a lesbian is a woman who loves other women.

And my definition of a woman is a person who identifies as female (regardless of sex).

So it isn't, by my definitions, true that I am a lesbian, because I am not a woman as I don't identify as female.

And I hate to lie when it is unnecessary.

So what to do.

But I stumbled upon some great words while doing my gender research most recently.

"Androphilia" and "Gynephilia"; attraction to men and attraction to women, respectively.

They are used by researchers and scientists when trying to present data without bothering with gender. A Gynephile is someone who is sexually attracted to women... regardless of their gender. Straight men and gay women are all gynephiles.

So yay, that is a problem crossed off the list with no fuss.

I may not be (by some definitions) a lesbian. But by definition I am a gynephile. Woo.

A third issue is my name.

(I'm not telling you my name for a few reasons. One, if you are reading this you probably already know it (I have no delusions of grandeur, I know very few people read my rants.); two, if you don't know it you don't need to; and three, read the rest of the paragraph and you'll see it is pointless to tell you.)

My name is decidedly feminine. I have never heard of a single man with my name. This doesn't feel right.

I've met a person recently who can't seem to remember my name. So he calls me Sam. Sam is a nice, gender-neutral name. And I have to admit, it felt nice.

It also hearkened back to those years ago where I had thought about changing my name. I've never hated my name, it is a nice enough name. But it has never felt all that fitting. I just don't connect to it. And I figured that was fine.

But recently I've thought, maybe I can have a name that fits me. That I relate and connect to. So I've been on the look out for a new name.

And I think I've found one. It just feels right.

But let me tell you, it was not easy to do. Sort of. Once I found it, and let it permeate, it has become easy. But finding advice about picking a new name? Incredibly difficult.

No offence or disrespect to my trans friends out there, but that is who all the advice is aimed to.

Advice such as finding your name on a ranked list of popular ones for the year you were born, then finding the equally popular opposite gendered one and using that... well, it falls flat.

They have good points and (to me and my situation) pointless ones.

Picking a name that is easy to say, spell, read, and is ethnically close to what you present as, those are all good pieces of advice for my issue.

Feminizing/masculating your given name doesn't work. (For one, my name has no masculine form. For two, I don't want a male name any more than I want a female one.)

So yeah. I just wanted to put that out there. I have an obsession with proper terminology, which can explain why this is such a big thing for me, I guess. Sorry for the long rant, it's just how I operate.

Bookmarks - Cut

Lets follow a theme, I guess. Now don't go getting all worried on me, I've had this book on hold for a while, coincidence brings it so close to the last one (considering I read the last one three weeks ago, this one last week, whatevs.)

Anyway:

Cut, by Patricia McCormick, copyright 2000, published by PUSH, part of Scholastic.

This is another book about self-harm, however Cut takes place almost exclusively in an inpatient environment. Our main character, Callie, spends the first half of the book not speaking to any one. We learn through her internal monologue and description where she is and why.

McCormick gives a pretty accurate portrayal of the desire for self-harm, and an interesting back story for why Callie turned to it.
Not as powerful a book as Scars was, however.

It could still be a triggering story, but I found it less pushy and less disturbing.

It is nice to see a positive portrayal of the inpatient environment though. A lot of people tend to be frightened when they think of being hospitalized for mental health (I blame One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest for this, personally.), so it seems like a good thing to show teens that it isn't all bad.

_______

Side note, again I am linking a previous post about suicide/self-harm here for good measure. If you are feeling bad I suggest looking at that and/or finding a resource you consider helpful in order to feel better.

(Thoughts on Suicide)

Bookmarks - Scars

Scars, by Cheryl Reinfield, copyright 2010, published by WestSide Books.

I quite literally just finished reading this book.
Okay, no, because by the time you read this it will be a week or more later, but at the time of writing this, I just spent a bit more than two hours reading this book (and about an hour looking at some of the resources provided at the end).

Normally when I do these things (though I have done so few that I am not sure there is a "normally") I will wait a bit longer between the read and the review, to let my thoughts sit.

But I don't want to this time.

Scars is an incredibly powerful book, and it brought me to tears. And I'm not sure I can say that about any other book. I've been sad, and maybe had a tear or two (looking at you, J.K Rowling...) but this book made me cry.

And at the same time I could not stop reading it.

Scars is about a girl named Kendra who has been sexually abused, and doesn't know who did it.

Or, more precisely, she "knows" but can't remember. She's repressed it, I guess I mean.

So she is in therapy. And she cuts herself. A lot.

This book will almost definitely trigger you, if you have ever self-harmed. So, yeah, watch out for that.

What I loved about this book (other than it is a lesbian character (didn't know that going in) and that it shows a very real side of cutting) were the relationships Kendra had.

She had a therapist who was wonderful to her, a great teacher, a reasonably close gay, male, family friend, and a girl who is helpful to her.

She is an artist, and she sees the world through those eyes.

I quite like this book as it shows how things can go right though. She has a good support system, for the most part, and deals reasonably effectively with her stress.

The author has been through similar situations, and I think that is what lends this story so much credibility, so much believability.

All of Kendra's feelings were understandable, accessible, and (in my experience) true.

I would prompt those who know self-harmers, or abused persons, to read this book. It is... disturbing, yes, but I think it could also be a great way to understand a bit of what is going on in their thought processes.

I would also encourage people who do self-harm, or were abused, to read this book-- IF, and only if, they felt they are in a secure place and have resources available to them.

Because this book IS TRIGGERING. There are explicit accounts of self-harm, and less explicit, but still disturbing, memories of sexual abuse. Kendra's mind is in turmoil, and it is a bumpy ride.

If nothing else, I suggest picking this book up for the resource list at the back, which is pretty thorough and interesting.
_________

Side note, I am linking a previous post about suicide/self-harm here for a rounded out thing, if you are feeling bad, I suggest looking at that, or finding a resource you consider helpful in order to feel better.
(Thoughts on Suicide)

Bookmarks - False Memory

Another Dean Koontz book, False Memory is copyright 1999, and published by Bantam (Random House).

False Memory follows Martine (Martie) Rhodes and her husband Dustin (Dusty) as well as some people they know as Martie quickly deteriorates into an extreme case of autophobia. They become suspicious of a person who lends them help as everything wrong in their their memories starts leading back to singular-gender-neutral "them".

"Autophobia is a real personality disorder. The term is used to describe three different conditions: (1) fear of being alone; (2) fear of being egotistical; (3)fear of oneself. The third is the rarest of these conditions."

Mr. Koontz did a fair amount of research for this book into phobic disorders, and the book shows it well. All the panic attacks and other psychological things seem very real and entirely plausible.
Everything that is put forward in the novel seems entirely possible, if not even likely, while reading the book, and the characters seem real (though making some bad decisions).

Definitely recommend this book to everyone. Though be warned, you may well be questioning your own brain and memories after you read it.

Bookmarks - The Taking

The Taking: written by Dean Koontz, copyright 2004, Random House published.

A couple wakes up to torrential rain outside their California mountains home and realises something is wrong when the TV starts giving strange news and eventually cuts out.
Leaving their house the couple encounter many strange creatures and organisms as they try to gather and save children with the help of a pack of dogs and some other people.
People are dying and going missing all over the place.

Definitely an apocalypse novel. And a darn good one.

Suspenseful with some truly creepy parts, this is a horror story with some possible religious overtones.

I would recommend this book to everyone, except if you are prone to nightmares about the world ending.

Thoughts on Suicide

Wow, okay, that title is a bit dramatic, I know, but it sums up the following bit perfectly.

I have gone through things that I prefer not to go in depth about, but suffice to say I have thought about suicide many times, and attempted it a couple.

I have hurt myself (mainly through cutting) before.

And I think it is important for me to address the following here, if only briefly (and I have mentioned it in a single line once before), mainly so I can link to this in the future, but also because I don't know who you are, and tough as it sounds, I don't care who or what you are.
But I do care that you are hurting. Because no one deserves to feel that bad.

Who you are doesn't matter to me, because every one matters.

So. If you are EVER feeling suicidal, I want you to right now know that, cliché as the statements are, you are NOT alone, and it DOES get better.

I'm living proof.

You will hear all around you that suicide is not an option. I want you to know that suicide is definitely an option, it will be as long as you are alive, but it should be reserved until every other one has been exhausted.

Suicide is the largest choice you can possibly make but, if you feel the need to make a decision in that area, you need to know that it is a normal thing to think about. It is not something to be ashamed of thinking of, it is not wrong, or sick. It is how you are feeling. And while I fervently wish that you did not feel this way (because it is a crumby-ass way to feel), many people (myself included) understand feeling suicidal, and can accept it.

So please look into counselling in your area and online, look at online communities and IRL help groups, call a crisis line or an understanding person (friend, family member, random acquaintance), go see a doctor-- anything.

Because no one worth the time of day wants you to commit suicide, even if it feels like they do at times.

(Please realise that if you want you to commit suicide, I am not lumping you into that category. You can feel about yourself in that way (though I wish you didn't feel the need to) without being wrong, or evil, or worthless. But coming from other people that is not an acceptable thing to want or encourage or suggest.)

It is a very similar thing if you are thinking of hurting yourself.

It sucks BIG TIME to feel that the best thing to do is to drag a knife across your skin, or stick your hand in fire, bash your arm until it breaks, eat until you puke, to exercise until you can't breathe, etc.-- any way of hurting yourself.

But it happens.

And it happens to a lot of people.

And it is normal. It is NOT wrong. It does NOT make you a bad person.

And you should not be ashamed.

Because the shame will only make it worse.

It would be very nice if you could find a new way of coping with situations, and/or someone to talk to. And I whole-heartedly suggest you look, and keep looking until you find something.

Yeah.

So, there are manymanymanymany, many resources out there for you. All you need to do is look.

If you would like me to post some of the many resources I have come across, I can.
But I, at this point, would prefer if people would look for themselves.

And this is only because I don't know what precise mix of issues you feel ready to look at, and I don't want to be sending you to resource after resource only to find none of them fit (because I don't know you or what you are facing) and get disheartened by that.

(Because I have seen lists of resources like this and found none in a list of twelve or more that seemed to relate to me at all, and I started to feel like a freak "Nobody is feeling this way, they don't even have help for people like me!" and it is totally untrue.)

Also, I understand if you don't agree with me on some points (especially where I say suicide is an option, I know that is a big thing for a lot of people) and I am okay with and accept that.

Please know I am not trying to inflame or start an argument. I just want people in pain to know that I have been there, I care about them, and (in limited and proper ways) am available to them. If you can't deal with that, I would appreciate you show me the same courtesy as I show you, and not attack me, my beliefs or experiences, because they differ from yours.

Good luck,

Have fun,

Be safe.

Bookmarks - Blindness

Blindness, written by José Saramago is copyright 1995, though I read the English translation copyright 1997 (Prof. Juan Sager). First published in English by the Harvill Press, and originally written in Portuguese.

A man suddenly goes blind in the middle of an intersection and sets off a chain of events in which everyone (or very nearly) in the world is going blind for no apparent reason.

Camps are set up to quarantine the White Blindness and we are in the first of these following the story of the man's wife, the only (known) person who has not gone blind.

An apocalyptic novel as we watch the degradation of human dignity and decency, as well as society.

I don't know whether it is because this book is translated, or that Portuguese writing is inhereantly difficult (though I will go with the former), but this book was a chore to read.
The idioms and phrases (as would be expected) were unfamiliar to me, the spacing was just wrong.
I don't care what you are trying to prove, an exchange of dialogue should not be done all in one sentence.

Imagine two people talking:

"Hello, it is nice to see you."
"And you too, a lovely day we are having."
"Quite! And did you catch the game on the telly last night?"
"No, I'm afraid I missed it. Who won?"

Logical. It switches back and forth between the two speakers with clear distinctions, even without explicit he-said she-saids (though that would be nice, as it can get confusing it someone were to pause and not say anything, throwing off the balance.)

But in the story it is written such:
Hello, it is nice to see you, And you too, a lovely day we are having, Quite, and did you catch the game on the telly last night, No, I'm afraid I missed it, who won

And this will go on for (quite literally) a page or more.
Nothing to break the speakers except capitals(sometimes) and commas. No periods, no quotation marks, no spacing.
I think the most annoying times are when (as shown above) someone has a comma in their speech. Did the person change, or just part of the sentence?

Regardless of these technical issues, the story was engaging (enough for me to keep fighting the book) and was well written (as far as pacing and plot points go).

~*~ Also has been made into a major motion picture, if you did not know.

Bookmarks - This World We Live In

Hey guys, back with another segment of Bookmarks! I've tried to build up a cushion of posts, so maybe this weekly thing will work out. Who knows.

Next on the docket is a teen novel, it is This World We Live In by Susan Beth Pfeffer, and is apparently the third companion in a series (Last Surviors). Oops.
(Interestingly a quote on the rear cover by the School Library Journal says this: "It is a testament to the author's skill that This World We Live In can be read as a stand alone novel. In fact, new readers might not even realise that the earlier titles exist.")

Regardless, copyright 2010, published by Graphia, apparently an "imprint of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing company". Yep.

Anyway. This was a reasonably good novel.

Set a year after the moon was hit by a massive meteor that altered it's orbit and started wreaking havoc on the earth's various systems.

Yes, it is a post-apocalyptic(PA) novel.

Set in diary format, we are listening to a 16-18 year old girl's life as things change for her and her family once more (as if the world coming to an end wasn't enough change!).
First winter starts to break, and the rains come. Then family arrives and bring new challenges and people into the mix.

The novel reeks of mother-daughter conflict, and left me wanting to yell at both of them to just f'ing talk to each other. A fair bit happens in the novel, and as stated in that quote, it is a perfectly good stand-alone novel.

All in all it was... mediocre. I liked it well enough, and read it through with no difficulty or slogging. But it is not raising any large emotions by any means.

A good read if you need a diary or alt-format book, an acceptable choice for a PA novel, especially for those just beginning to dip into the genre.

~*~ If you are interested in reading the previous two they are Life as We Knew It and The Dead & The Gone, both by Susan Pfeffer.

Gooey Browser, Take 2.

Okay. I hope this post will be a bit more structured than the last (which wasn't really intended to be what it ended up being.).
As stated before, I have some lofty dreams for the future of my internet usage. But, like so many things, I have no intent of follow through, it is just a dream.

Anyway. Let's start with a list of things I want from my browser, and maybe a bit of why:

1. The obvious, web browsing capabilities. I want to be able to navigate to/from websites quickly and easily. Best done, as proven, with a URL box.
2. In-built search function. All the major browsers (which I classify as Chrome, IE and Firefox, though Safari and Opera can get put in if you prefer.) allow some kind of in-built search now. Type into you URL box and it will search if it is not set as a URL. I want this to be a customizable search engine, like Chrome. (Because I like Google. But some crazy people use Yahoo or Bing or whatevs. Not my issue.)
3. I want interconnectivity between everything I do. That means one account to get into my browser, and I have access to my data/files/browsing history etc. wherever I am, whatever I am doing. This means using my browser as, basically, a computer account. It should be like logging into my PC. (Yup, this will become very like the Google Chromium OS)
4. I want modifiable priorities. Person One may be a die-hard news junkie and wants twenty news feeds up all the time. Person Two might be a clean-cut music fan who wants just their browsing and music available. Etc.
5. I want transparency and ease of use. If the browser is going to do something, it should be from my command, or from a set of instructions I have okayed. No downloading without consent, no preferences changed without consent, etc. (Again, rather basic and obvious.)

That's it. A small list, but rather lofty in places.

And the reason it is lofty, and only a dream at this point, is that it requires the internet (or at least every part that gets used) to play nice with one another.

Moving on.

So you open up your laptop, turn on your PC, whatevs. I'm not asking for insta-internet access like the Chromium OS. Don't really care if there is another OS. But it would be nice if it were unnecessary, or at least minimal. Turn that sucker on, open this. You got everything there as you want it. All visible, in fully customizable gel-pockets.

And what I mean by join hands is my #3 point. I want to log into my browser and I want to be logged in to everything I do.
Facebook? Opened in the social media ticker feed. Same with Twitter and Google Plus. (Plurk if you're into that.) In fact, everything that can give me a notification (other than email and RSS feeds) I want to open into the social ticker. That way I can drag that to my main browsing space and look through my everything all at once.
PMs from my forums, Facebook updates, tweets, missed IMs... All there. And constant updating, so when I have it minimised to the little carrel it will scroll along with it's new stuff.

I want my eamil (all of them. Personal, work, other) to be put into another carrel. Same idea here. I want constant updates. When something new comes in I want to drag it to my main browsing space (MBS for ease) and look at it, respond, make new ones, etc. Then throw it back into the carrel.

RSS/Reader/Tumblr and the like to their own bubble. New things in the same way, same functionality.

When in their carrels, these widgets will only show what they are told to (default to New Feed, but can be set to show a stable page/image/etc.).

I want my calendar in a tiny carrel. Look to your lower right screen (Windows). Where the date/time is? I want that to have full access to an interactive calendar (Possibly Google Calendar). Or in a larger one like you see on websites with the whole month available.

I want my music program of choice to sit in a carrel showing what I am listening to with controls all available on my screen.

I want all the standard necessities, word processor, spread sheets, slide-show, image editor, calculator, I want to be able to make databases too, or better sort functions in the spread sheet (either way) and I want them all available as widgets. That way I can throw one down into a carrel and make notes while reading an article. Do quick math while chatting with a friend. Collaborate with someone over video chat on the slide-show for work. Share a spreadsheet and reference it while writing without minimizing and maximizing windows all over the place.

I want share functions. If I am connected to a friend I want to be able to connect one of my carrels to a "sharing" carrel in their browser and have them see what I am doing in that carrel.

I want an in-built video chat that can be put in a carrel as well.

I want a note/comment function. Not only to make documents like above, but also to be able to write a note on a webpage and have that connection saved to my account. That way if/when I ever open that page again there is my note. "Read to this paragraph", "Use this quote", "Look this up"

I want my "Find it New" and "I Saw This".
Find it New, that is my StumbleUpon widget. It comes up with new things it thinks I would enjoy, and gives me things that might challenge me.

I Saw This lets me keep track of what I have seen or not, and whether I liked it. It also lets me tag those things with personal tags, as well as keep my likes organized. It is a bookmarking widget.

I want all my carrels and their configuration to be set up to suit how I use my screen.

I want multiple browsing spaces but I also want tabs.
Difference being if I change to a different browsing space, everything changes except the MBS. All my carrels are set up in another configuration (say, a 'clean' set, where there is only the time and the MBS), whereas a tab would be a subset of the MBS, and would only change within it.

And above all I want all these things to be directly linked to one account.
If someone sees my "profile", they will have access to everything (that I have allowed, of course.) No running from site to site trying to get an idea of who I am.

If I leave my profile public (or if you were a friend) you could pull it up and you would be able to see all of my activity. Browse the favourites I made available. See my updates. Go where I am and participate. Everything I liked or made or commented would be available in one place. (As I so choose, of course.)

Point being that every site would be part of this. There would be no need to log into Vi.sualize.us and look at my pictures. Any picture I liked there would be here, and vice-versa. No need to go to Facebook, you see all my social content here.

So I am not asking much. Just a total re-haul of the entire interconnectivity system that has been around since before I was born.
Unification.

I guess what I want is Google Chromium with a face-lift and the internet to all join hands.

That isn't too much, right?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not so crazy to think it would ever be possible. But I just wanted to tell you my dreams.

I know I said there would be pictures, too. That is not this post. There is one more on this topic, then I think we will be done.
Next post will be pictures and a quick overview of features and functionality of this imagined system.

Thanks for entertaining me. :)